THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU

Never again...surely?

By Nicholas Lee

Well, here we have it.

Only a matter of hours until the start of the season. Probably the most critical season in the history of our fine club.

I'm pretty sure I said the same thing this time last year. With good reason too.

We had a club legend as manager, seemingly being able to depend on the support of Spencer Fearn and John Fitzpatrick behind the scenes.

A mixed first half of the season showed potential. Indeed, it was widely thought that a couple more signings could have helped propel the club towards the play-off places.

Fast forward to January 15th, and a lacklustre 3-1 reverse at home to Mansfield. Gannon's tenure came to a premature end amid the wind and rain in SK3.

Over the following months, we found salt being rubbed into our wounds by a man who was, and continues to be, Ryan McKnight - the Rodney Trotter of the Black Country.

This chap, installed only hours before Gannon's sacking, seemingly did everything in his power to exacerbate our many problems. Darije Kalezic. Adnan Cirak. Javan Vidal. Paul Marshall. That Schofield fella whose first name escapes me.

I'm starting to feel a bit woozy just recalling such luminaries. In fact, I don't want to continue talking about last season, as it only leads to me seeing spots, accompanied by that bilious feeling that can only come from someone you love kicking you repeatedly in the gentleman parts.

That's not to say I've forgiven our 'esteemed leader' Mr McKnight. Even promotion this season wouldn't absolve what I consider to be his many failings.

Promotion back to the Football League would go some way, but we'd still be left with the memory of that year we lost as our faceless shareholders stayed silent and allowed Mr McKnight to play Football Manager.

For me, last season was like one of those rickety bridges in Indiana Jones. As soon as you get halfway across, the bloody thing starts shaking and the alligators start snapping.


But I have hope for this season. In fact, it's not even hope. It's a feeling that we MUST get it right this season.

If we don't win promotion, we may as well lock the gates and turn out the lights.

On the face of it, Messrs Bogie, Lord and Mitchell look to have built a decent team. We've said that before, and, talent-wise, we were right.

However, while the side of 12 months ago possessed the ability, it was the application that was lacking. As for the attitude....Two words.

Jon Nolan. *Shudders* #Bantz indeed.

Fast forward a few months and there seems to be a new toughness about the squad. We finally have players who've been there and done that. We seem to have the ability to play the officials.

Last season we struggled to play the ball, never mind persuade a referee one way or the other. Case in point: At the Cheadle Heath Nomads friendly, Kyle Jacobs was having a running battle with their number 11 during the first half.

After the Nomads player had made yet another futile appeal to the referee, Kyle gave the poor lad a cheeky shove and tripped him up. Sneaky? Yes. Against the rules? Most definitely. A welcome antidote to last season's set of ambivalent tossers? To quote Alan Partridge, abso-bloody-exactly.


If you factor in Jacobs, along with the likes of Charnock, Hand and Craney, we finally have a number of players who have the knowledge and experience to talk our promising youngsters through games.

The new lad Verma looks promising, if only for the opportunity for a chant based round 'Informer' by 90s hippity-hoppers Snow.

As for the strikeforce, one hopes Kristian Dennis keeps up the form that's seen him hit double figures in pre-season.

In goal, Ian Ormson and Lewis King are looking neck-and-neck for the number 1 jersey. Jordan Fagbola seems to be continuing the form he displayed in the latter stages of the abortion that was last season.

Hell's teeth, even James Tunnicliffe has started to look like something approaching a professional footballer. Even though he's now a semi-professional footballer. Mad.

While all this makes good copy, there's always the nagging feeling that more turmoil is just the other side of that rickety bridge. If it is, I don't feel I'll have the energy to tackle it head-on.

At the end of the day, we've been burnt so many times before that it's hard to hope.

After all, it's the hope that kills you.

Animo et Fide.

FREAKY FRIDAY

What would Danny do?

By Jamie Summers

And so another season is upon us.

Once again the denizens of Stockport County will be brought together for the spectacle of another campaign.

The Holy Grail is the Conference North title. The leader of the pack is Ian Bogie, the kingmakers are Alan Lord and Terry Mitchell and the pilgrims (Boston united pun quite possibly intended) are set to descend on the Mecca that is Edgeley Park.


Oddly, this is the second time in a week that I've written an article with a title relating to an early 2000s film. Somehow though, it seems quite apt. The Friday before the first game, the 'Season Eve,' is the occasion when the anticipation start to build and the excitement bubbles away for the journey which is about to begin.

The purpose of a lens is to bring light into focus. It takes the seven different colours of the spectrum and channels them into a single strand of bright white light. In many ways, I guess that 'Season Eve' could be considered a lens; one which brings the different strands of pre-season together and binds them into a single strand of footballing expectation.

The 'Freaky Friday' tag might well be appropriate for that experience which only seems to develop prior to the first matchday of the season.

Many times over the last few seasons, I've felt a degree of optimism and hope before a season starts, only to have that hope mercilessly crushed as we've walked down the road towards another relegation. Eventually it becomes easy to no longer hold out any hope and only be pessimistic about what has become of us and where we are - but that's self-defeating really, isn't it?

The optimism I feel going into this season is different to what it has been in the last few years. In spite of everything to have happened here since the turn of the year, I can't help but feel cautiously optimistic about the team and what could happen.

Of course, we're at an entirely new level and it really is do-or-die time now. But for the first time in years we seem to have a well-balanced squad and a sense of belief about us.

That optimism has to be tempered. I don't think we're going to walk through this league to the title, but we are in with a shot. The prospect of winning more games than we lose for the first time since we were last promoted in 2008 is a brilliant tonic. Being seriously considered by our opponents as a team with a genuine chance of success is a feeling that we've become used to not experiencing.

Ian Bogie has impressed me since he came into the club. He's spent the summer urging caution and restraint; he hasn't seemed able to stress enough just how difficult the season is going to be for us. Given his experience of winning promotion from this tier, we should respect his warnings. However this morning, he also issued a statement to County fans where he pledged to help bring success back to Stockport County.

Some people have understandably argued that it is just words, the type of rallying call that we should come to expect from the manager before the season gets underway regardless of the circumstances.

Yet there was one line in Mr Bogie's statement that stood out for me. "As County's manager, it's my job to halt the decline and play my part in giving you a team to be proud of. That starts now, and the buck stops with me."

By stating that the buck stops with him, Bogie has potentially set himself up for a large fall. That alone suggests to me that he has confidence in where we are. Couple that with his messages of restraint, and the picture is a bit clearer. It certainly won't be the stroll in the park that some people think it will be, but we are in with a chance.

I'm a huge fan of print and a few days ago I was flicking through a collection of programmes from the last 20 years or so. Reading the programme notes of managers with the benefit of hindsight is always really interesting. For me, a few quotes from a certain ex-manager from Uruguay brilliantly sum up the midset that we should be carrying into this campaign.

In November 1994, we faced Scarborough FC in a Football League Trophy match. Danny was communicating his message after a barren spell of five successive defeats without scoring a goal. He wrote: "I suppose it is fair to say that we are experiencing, apart from the disappointments at Wembley, the worst time since I joined the club. It is absolutely imperative and it is our number one priority that everyone at the club stick together through thick and thin as we all know, everyone will find it comfortable and worthwhile to be part of the 'thick'; call it success, call it good times, but it is not as easy to give a hand when we experience the thin or the bad times".

The message there is obvious, and it will apply just as much this season as it did in 1994.

We have to strive for success, and if we win the Conference North then it will be an enjoyable experience.

But there will inevitably be times this season where things go a bit pear-shaped. We will have the token loss against the side that we've never heard of with less money than us, and we'll go on a bad run of form when we don't win for a few games. But in those tougher times we've got to focus on the end-goal of winning promotion and not let adversity cause us to lose too much faith.

Tied in with that is another sound-bite from Danny, which he wrote shortly before his dismissal in March 1995:

"In my country we say 'after the thunder there is the calm". 

Another simple but effective message from one of the greatest managers in this club's history perhaps helps us to square where we are and put our position into perspective.

In all of the last five seasons we've had a say in relegation scraps. It's been a turbulent time to be a County fan, but eventually we will turn the ship around. If we strip things down, take it back to basics and focus on the task in hand then this season can be the first step back towards where we were a few years ago.

On that note, I finish this piece with one last quote from Danny, written in September 1993 ahead of a clash with the Dingles:

"It's like I always say, Directors direct, supporters support, players play and I manage with the help of my staff." 

Such a simple, short message demonstrates that everyone involved in Stockport County has a part to play in the season. Every group of people mentioned is one component of a greater system which has to run efficiently if we're to get that promotion we crave.

Of course, it's really anyone's guess as to how this season goes.

We could walk the division after all. On the other hand, a poor start will shatter a lot of the optimism which County fans have at the moment. We could just miss out, or even struggle to adapt to life in the sixth tier. But at the very least, let's try to enjoy ourselves this season.

After all - if there is one man whose words can be used as inspiration for a successful season, then it is Danny Bergara.

WHO'S WHO IN THE SKRILL NORTH

  

Chris Larkin (Cheadle End Punk's very own Mystic Meg) makes his predictions for the new Conference North season

AFC Telford United

Nickname: The Bucks
Stadium: New Bucks Head (6,300)
Last Position: 24th Conference Premier
My Prediction: 2nd
Manager: Liam Watson
One to Watch: Wes Baynes (Defender)

Telford United have spent big this Summer and have former Southport manager Liam Watson as their new boss. With a string of impressive signings and facilities amongst the best in the whole of non-league, the Bucks will certainly be looking to bounce back at the first attempt. Their most impressive signing? Wes Baynes, a defender who has played in Chester's last two promotion campaigns and has experience getting out of this league. They'll be consistently up at the right end of the table all season but will just fall short of the title.

Altrincham

Nickname: The Robins
Stadium: Moss Lane (6,085)
Last Position: 4th Conference North
My Prediction: 1st
Manager: Lee Sinnott
One to Watch: Damien Reeves (Forward)

Altrincham, with the league's top goalscorer last season, will finish top this season. Last term the Robins were unfortunate to lose in the play-off semi-finals and will be looking to reclaim that Conference National berth they lost in 2011. They're sure to be tough opposition for any team this season. Keeping Damien Reeves at the club will be crucial though. If his goals dry up they'll struggle to maintain an upward momentum.

Barrow

Nickname: The Bluebirds
Stadium: Holker Street (5,000)
Last Position: 22nd Conference Premier
My Prediction: 10th
Manager: David Bayliss
One to Watch: Greg Mills (Midfielder)

Barrow, like County and Telford, are in the middle of a rebuilding job. Despite looking dead and buried by Christmas, they did put up a bit of a fight in the 2nd half of the season but in the end it wasn't enough to put the Bluebirds above the dotted line and they too suffered the drop. They'll adjust to life in the division well enough and a solid upper mid-table finish is certainly not out of the question if they can bulk out their squad between now and the first game and make good use of the loan market.

Boston United

Nickname: The Pilgrims
Stadium: York Street (6,643)
Last Position: 16th Conference North
My Prediction: 9th
Manager: Dennis Greene
One to Watch: Carl Piergianni (Defender)

Misfortune hit the Lincolnshire side in 2007 as they suffered a double relegation, being relegated from League 2 on the last day of the season they were then informed they breached Conference rules and were placed in the Conference North for the 2007/08 season. Despite finishing 10th they were demoted to the Northern Premier League, where they spent two years before winning the play-offs and getting back into the Conference North. They will be looking to continue the strengthening of their promotion chances, having recently signed former Hatter, Carl Piergianni.

Brackley Town

Nickname: The Saints
Stadium: St. James' Park (3,500)
Last Position: 3rd Conference North
My Prediction: 5th
Manager: Jon Brady
One to Watch: Gary Mulligan (Forward)

Brackley achieved their highest ever finish in the 2012-13 season, finishing 3rd in the Conference North and losing in the play-off final to FC Halifax Town. The Saints will be hoping to build on their success of last season and will be looking to make the play-offs again but with the right additions a push for the title is expected.

Bradford Park Avenue

Nickname: The Avenue
Stadium: Horsfall Stadium (3,500)
Last Position: 7th Conference North
My Prediction: 8th
Manager: John Deacey
One to Watch: Tim Ryan (Defender)

Bradford Park Avenue have played in all four professional divisions and are also the only team to have done so to have also played below the 5th tier. The Avenue did very well last season finishing 7th despite being tipped for relegation after their play-off promotion from the Northern Premier League. A similar result, in table terms, is expected again this time.

Colwyn Bay

Nickname: The Seagulls
Stadium: Llanellian Road (2,500)
Last Position: 18th Conference North
My Prediction: 19th
Manager: Frank Sinclair
One to Watch: Frank Sinclair (Player Manager/Defender)

Last season the Seagulls did very well to avoid relegation, finishing two places clear of the drop. And another season of struggle is expected this time around for the Welshmen. They have just enough about them to stave off relegation but a few poor results where points are expected could see them suffer the drop.

Gainsborough Trinity

Nickname: The Holy Blues
Stadium: The Northolme (4,304)
Last Position: 8th Conference North
My Prediction: 6th
Manager: Steve Housham
One to Watch: Dominic Roma (Defender/Midfielder)

A good 8th place finish last season was overshadowed by the club's FA Trophy heroics last time around. They made it all the way to the Semi-Finals only losing to Wrexham on aggregate after losing 3-1 in Wales and upsetting the odds to win 2-1 in Gainsborough.  They couldn't quite get that one goal to take it into extra time. But they'll have another good season this time and will likely just miss out on the playoffs.

Gloucester City

Nickname: The Tigers
Stadium: Whaddon Road (7,066 Owned by Cheltenham Town)
Last Position: 11th Conference North
My Prediction: 20th
Manager: David Mehew
One to Watch: Neil Mustoe (Midfielder)

Despite a solid 11th place finish last season, Gloucester's financial troubles and exile from their home town will see the club struggle and be in a relegation scrap all season. They will suffer the drop in the end, the council money won't last forever and unless they get some investment soon it could quickly become a very sad ending for the Tigers.

Guiseley

Nickname: The Lions
Stadium: Nethermoor Park (3,000)
Last Position: 2nd Conference North
My Prediction: 3rd
Manager: Steve Kittrick
One to Watch: Phil Marsh (Forward)

Guiseley will feel they were desperately unlucky to not be playing Conference Premier football next season, after finishing 2nd in the league. Unfortunately, they lost in the play-offs to FC Halifax Town, who sneaked in through the backdoor and ultimately won promotion via the play-off lottery. Guiseley will again have eyes on promotion and are expected to mount a serious title challenge that will fall just short. They'll make the play-offs though.

Harrogate Town

Nickname: Town
Stadium: Wetherby Road (3,800)
Last Position: 6th
My Prediction: 7th
Manager: Simon Weaver
One to Watch: Matthew Bloomer (Defender)

After a few seasons of struggle, last season saw a complete turnaround for Town after appointing a new club board. The team progressed to the 2nd Round proper of the FA Cup and finished 6th in the league - a huge success given their record in the previous seasons relegation dogfight. With a competent board now in place, Harrogate will again be looking toward a good upper table finish.

Hednesford Town

Nickname: The Pitmen
Stadium: Keys Park (6,500)
Last Position: 2nd Northern Premier League
My Prediction: 22nd
Manager: Rob Smith
One to Watch: Neil Harvey (Forward)

The Pitmen won promotion from the Northern Premier League after beating FC United of Manchester in the final. While promotion was a great achievement it'll be surprising if they don't struggle this coming season. They won't be pushovers but probably don't have quite enough about them to beat the drop,. Their big hope, goalscorer Neil Harvey, could change that if his form is exemplary though.

Histon

Nickname: The Stutes
Stadium: Bridge Road (4,300)
Last Position: 19th Conference North
My Prediction: 21st
Manager: Brian Page
One to Watch: Lewis Taaffe (Forward)

Histon just avoided relegation last season and have been struggling financially for the last few seasons, having finished 16th in 2012 and then 19th in 2013. They'll continue their decline and suffer the drop this time round. It is likely that the ever strengthening league will prove too much for them this time around.

Leamington

Nickname: The Brakes
Stadium: New Windmill Ground (2,300)
Last Position: 1st in Southern Premier Division
My Prediction: 17th
Manager: Paul Holleran
One to Watch: Stefan Moore (Forward)

Leamington romped to the Southern League title by an impressive 12 point margin last season and that momentum will carry on into this season and will help them achieve safety at the very least. Despite being tipped for the drop, the Brakes will finish lower midtable and will cause a few of the 'better' teams a few headaches.

North Ferriby United

Nickname: The Villagers
Stadium: Grange Lane (2,700)
Last Position: 1st Northern Premier League
My Prediction: 18th
Manager: Billy Heath
One to Watch: Ryan Kendall (Forward)

North Ferriby won the Northern Premier League title on the last game of the season, finishing on the same points as Hednesford United. The Villagers are better prepared for the coming season though and have the impressive Ryan Kendall, who notched an astounding 36 goals in 35 games last season, as their secret weapon. They've also signed Nathan Jarman, one of Chester's promotion winning squad last season. They should finish safely above the dotted line.

Oxford City

Nickname: The Hoops
Stadium: Court Place Farm (2,000)
Last Position: 10th Conference North
My Prediction: 15th
Manager: Mike Ford
One to Watch: Jamie Cook (Forward)

Last season was Oxford's first ever term at Conference North level and they had a very good season finishing in 10th place, without ever really troubling the play-offs or the relegation battle. This season will be another one of consolidation for the Hoops, a standard mid-table finish should be on the cards for them.

Solihull Moors

Nickname: The Moors
Stadium: Autotech Stadium (3,050)
Last Position: 9th Conference North
My Prediction: 16th
Manager: Marcus Bignot
One to Watch: Gary Birch (Forward)

Last season saw Solihull finish in the upper reaches of the table, 9th place in the end. This time around it is unlikely they'll finish quite so high. It'll be a semi-comfortable lower mid-table finish, though I'm sure the players will be looking for a repeat performance of last year's good run.

Stalybridge Celtic

Nickname: The Celts
Stadium: Bower Fold (6,500)
Last Position: 13th Conference North
My Prediction: 11th
Manager: Jim Harvey
One to Watch: Adam Pepper (Midfielder)

The Celts are no strangers to County fans, being based just up the road and having been obliging victims last year in County's 5-3 FA Cup qualifier victory. The 2011-12 season was a promising one with them going toe-to-toe with Hyde for the title until the last stretch of the season when they fell away and just missed out on the play-offs. They were disappointed with a tame mid-table finish last season but, once again, they've made no real significant squad additions, so it is likely to be another mid-table finish for them.

Stockport County

Nickname: The Hatters
Stadium: Edgeley Park (10,841)
Last Position: 21st Conference Premier
My Prediction: 4th
Manager: Ian Bogie
One to Watch: Rhys Turner (Forward)

County will be contenders this season. It'll take a month or two to really hit top gear but, when they do, expect a real battle for promotion. In the end I think the Hatters will miss out on the title but will make the play-offs. With a new, exciting strike force, a developing midfield and defence, the team should enjoy its best season in a few years.

Vauxhall Motors

Nickname: The Motormen
Stadium: Rivacre Park (3,300)
Last Position: 12th Conference North
My Prediction: 13th
Manager: Carl Macauley
One to Watch: Louis Moss (Midfielder)

Vauxhall had a solid season last year finishing 12th. It will be more of the same this year for the Ellesmere Port based side. While they have had close calls with relegation in the past, they have remained in the Conference North and will be looking to build on the solid season they have just enjoyed.

Worcester City

Nickname: The Dragons
Stadium: Aggborough (6,250)
Last Position: 15th Conference North
My Prediction: 14th
Manager: Carl Heeley
One to Watch: Stuart Whitehead (Defender)

The Dragons had a reasonable season last year, finishing 15th. Having sold their ground to raise crucial funds for a new stadium, they will lodge with Kidderminster Harriers next season. Worcester will be looking for another solid season on the pitch while they continue to sort out a more permanent home off it.

Workington

Nickname: The Reds
Stadium: Borough Park (3,101)
Last Position: 14th
My Prediction: 12th
Manager: Darren Edmondson
One to Watch: Paul Johnson (Defender)

A once proud Football League side, Workington, like County, will be looking up at the Football League with teary-eyed regret. They will be hoping that a promotion to the Conference Premier isn't too far away but, for now, it will once again be a case of consolidating their place in the Conference North.

PLAYING AWAY

YOUR INDISPENSABLE GUIDE TO EVERY SKRILL NORTH CLUB

By Jamie Summers

I first tried to sit and gather my footballing thoughts for this week whilst sat overlooking the sea, beer in hand, in Scarborough. The unmistakeable smell of sun cream and ice cream hung in the air as a multitude of tourists slowly baked in the searing heat.

It was too hot, in fact, and I couldn’t put pen to paper to form anything remotely resembling a flowing piece of prose. But in between pondering whether to get another pint in and talking to a supporter of North Ferriby United, what struck me was how lively the North Yorkshire seaside resort is nowadays.

Once upon a time, Scarborough Away would have been a cracking day out. I’ve never experienced it myself, but it’s the type of place that has the potential for creating great footballing memories.

Unfortunately, Scarborough FC were wound up in 2007. Having dropped out of the Football League after 11 years in the late 90s, financial difficulties eventually culminated in their liquidation and expulsion from the Conference North 6 years ago. The Seasiders’ McCain Stadium was demolished in 2011 and is now home to a sports complex.

What struck me in thinking about this is how it’s the type of away day that we could be enjoying this coming season. The Scarf refers to wearing it proudly round our necks at Chesterfield and Crewe, but barring a bloody good cup run, that won’t be happening any time soon.

For the most part, we’re entering into the unknown, excepting the odd trip. Conceivably, Scarborough could even be on our fixture list within a few years. Their phoenix club, Scarborough Athletic, is currently in the Northern Premier First Division, two levels below us.

There are some fantastic stadium names down in the shadowy depths of non-league wilderness. Droylsden’s ‘Butchers Arms’ and Lancaster City’s ‘Giant Axe’ are two that come to mind. My personal favourite is Lewes’ ‘The Dripping Pan’. Sadly, none of these teams compete in the Conference North.

 So, where exactly are we going to over the next 12 months (at least)? How far are we going to travel and what’s in store for the travelling blue and white army? Here’s a potentially boring list; still, you could always take a thrilling trip to the Supermarket, eh?

Between now and the end of April, the blue and white army will cover a total of 3,856 miles following the club this season. With the average away day being 92 miles away from SK3, the concept of a regional division can be quite deceiving.

However, with County never having played 14 of the 21 other teams at this level, it is a new chapter in our Club’s history and an opportunity to go to places that we’ve never been before. Hopefully, those places will bring rich rewards.

We’re starting a journey. Let’s hope that the pot of gold at the end of this particular journey comes with a convenient Promotion too.

Moss Lane (Altrincham FC)  

Distance: 10 miles

Capacity: 6,085 (1,323 seated)

At just 10 miles away, Altrincham are our closest game next season. We’re now competing against the traditional rivals of the mighty Macclesfield Town, while they enjoy the dizzying heights of the Conference. Life’s not fair, is it? Moss Lane is also going to be known as the J. Davidson Stadium after a bout of crap sponsorship.

Bower Fold (Stalybridge Celtic)  

Distance: 13 miles

Capacity: 6,500 (1,200 seated)

Jim Harvey’s Stalybridge Celtic have been a full-time outfit in the last couple of years, but to no avail and they missed the playoffs last term. We’re no strangers to Bower Fold, having been dumped out of the FA Trophy there in 2011. It is the only stadium in the country to face directly north. Saltergate used to face north too, but now it’s a housing complex.

Rivacre Park (Vauxhall Motors)  

Distance: 39 miles

Capacity: 3,300 (350 seated)

Vauxhall Motors are based in Ellesmere Port and are owned by the plant which provides most of the employment in that part of the world. As a fellow Cheshire club, Vauxhall are officially one of our ‘derbies’ along with the two teams above. Eeeeeeek.

Horsfall Stadium (Bradford Park Avenue)  

Distance: 43 miles

Capacity: 3,500 (1,800 seated)

For the first time in decades we’re back playing Bradford Park Avenue once again, whose proud Football League days are now long behind them with the Club being overshadowed in the last 30-odd years by neighbours Bradford City. PA are moving from the Horsfall Stadium soon, in a bid to regain their Football League status once more. Darlington Arena anyone?

Nethermoor Park (Guiseley AFC)  

Distance: 51 miles

Capacity: 3,000 (500 seated)

Guiseley is cushioned neatly within the boundary of the City of Leeds, which, unfortunately for Guiseley AFC, is home to one of the most historically successful Football Clubs this country has ever seen. Competing at the top end of the Conference North for the last few years, Guiseley are tipped to do well this term.

Wetherby Road (Harrogate Town)

Distance: 65 miles

Capacity: 3,800 (500 seated)

Harrogate should, fingers crossed, be a cracking away day. Possibly the most middle-class town in the country, it’s a great place to visit and hopefully it will be worthwhile on the pitch. The ground also has a proper quintessentially Yorkshire name: Wetherby. Ace that, innit?

Keys Park (Hednesford Town)  

Distance: 71 miles

Capacity: 6,500 (Some seats, I think).

Built in the mid-90s, Keys Park is one of the largest stadiums at this level at a capacity of over 6,000. Your guess is as good as mine as to how many seats there are though. The fewer the better tends to be the general rule. Being newly promoted, Hednesford will be an intriguing trip to make.

Llanelian Road (Colwyn Bay)  

Distance: 75 miles

Capacity: 2,500 (500 seated)

Crossing the border to Conwy should hopefully be a highlight of the campaign. Who knows, with the away game being the penultimate game of the season, it might even have something riding on it. Llanelian Road is famous for English people pronouncing it wrong, and supporters sitting on ‘The Hill’ outside to avoid paying for a ticket. After all, to pay is to fail. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

The Northolme (Gainsborough Trinity)

Distance: 79 miles

Capacity: 4,304 (515 seated)

Pretty much exactly due-east of Stockport, Gainsborough is to be found in Lincolnshire, north of Lincoln and south of Scunthorpe. The Northolme doesn’t have much in the way of seating, but does have a reasonable capacity for this level. The stadium is known as ‘The Chapel’. Chapel… Trinity…. Geddit? Hahahaha.

New Bucks Head (AFC Telford United)  

Distance: 88 miles

Capacity: 6,300 (2,200 seated)

New Bucks Head was built in 2003 on the site of the ‘Old’ Bucks Head, where Telford United formerly played. Unfortunately for Telford, the club went out of business pretty much as soon as the stadium was built, and the phoenix club moved in a season later. They somehow managed to have both fewer points and more managers than County last season. Former Southport gaffer Liam Watson took the reins there over summer.

Grange Lane (North Ferriby United)  

Distance: 95 miles

Capacity: 2,700 (not many seated)

North Ferriby is on the Humber Estuary, near Hull in the East Riding of Yorkshire. They won promotion to the Conference North last season by winning the Northern Premier League title and it is their first time in the 6^th tier. The village is known locally simply as ‘Ferriby’ and the club are known as The Villagers.

Damson Park (Solihull Moors)

Distance: 96 miles

Capacity: 3,050 (280 seated)

Solihull Moors is a merger club formed in 2007 out of Solihull Borough FC and Moor Green FC. Damson Park was the home of Borough before Solihull Moors was formed, and the current club finished comfortably in the top half last season. Birmingham City reserves also play at the ground.

Aggborough (Worcester City)

Distance: 109 miles

Capacity: 6,250 (3,140 seated)

After last season, Aggborough doesn’t need any introductions. Kidderminter Harriers’ proper but ramshackle home stadium was the site of our relegation from the Conference as we got stuffed 4-0, when Kidderminster were going for promotion. Worcester City currently play here while they wait for a stadium which, if built, will see them kicked out of the Conference North for being too small at a capacity of just 3,000.

Holker Street (Barrow AFC)  

Distance: 106 miles

Capacity: 5,000 (1,000 seated)

As if relegation wasn’t bad enough, Barrow came down with us. That means that we’ve got to go back to Barrow in Furness, the site of our ‘local’ Boxing Day game in 2011 that sparked the start of our survival that season, where it will most likely be raining. Barrow is home to that comedienne lass that looks like Kym Marsh but isn’t Kym Marsh. Can’t remember her name now.

The New Windmill Ground (Leamington FC)  

Distance: 118 miles

Capacity: 2,300 (Seats? I dunno.)

Leamington have played at the New Windmill Ground since the start of the 21^st century, and fully own their home stadium. Unlike Edgeley Park, the stadium also has a scoreboard that works properly. Local brewers the Warwickshire Beer Company made a special ale in honour of Leamington FC in 2005 after they reached the First Round of the FA Cup. Unfortunately, they were trashed 9-1 by Colchester United.

York Street (Boston United)

Distance: 124 miles

Capacity: 6,643 (5,711 seated)

With almost 6,000 seats, York Street has one of the largest numbers of seating in the division. Boston United were relegated from the Football League in odd circumstances in 2007. Playing Wrexham, it was a ‘winner takes all’ situation to decide which side was relegated. Boston entered administration during the game and went down. They were refused entry into the Conference and entered into the North division. Despite finishing in the top half, they were then demoted again in 2007-08, but immediately won promotion back to the sixth tier the following campaign.

Whaddon Road (Gloucester City)

Distance: 129 miles

Capacity: 7,066 (Well there’s some seats, alright?)

We are familiar with Whaddon Road as the home of League Two side Cheltenham Town. We will be making the trip there next season to play Gloucester City, who play there because their own stadium, Meadow Park, was fatally damaged in the extensive floods of 2007. Plans for a new stadium collapsed earlier this year.

St. James Park (Brackley Town)

Distance: 139 miles

Capacity: 3,500 (600 seated)

Far from the Sport Direct.com Arena @ St. James’ Park, or whatever it’s called nowadays, Brackley Town’s home stadium has a total capacity which is much less than 10% of Newcastle United’s. Brackley enjoyed their first season in the Conference North last season and are one of the favourites for promotion this campaign. They have won the ‘Hellenic League’ twice, but Google Maps tells me that Brackley is nowhere near Greece. Impressive.

Borough Park (Workington FC)

Distance: 145 miles

Capacity: 3,101 (500 seated)

County’s first away game of the season is the long trip up to Cumberland to face Workington. Once Football League members, the club long since fell upon hard times and were dropped from the Football League in favour of Wimbledon in 1977. Workington were once managed by Liverpool icon, Bill Shankly.

Court Place Farm (Oxford City)

Distance: 157 miles

Capacity: 2,000 (250 seated)

The lesser-known of Oxford’s two Football Clubs plays their home games at the 2,000-capacity Court Place Farm, despite the Conference North regulations stating that stadia must have an operating capacity of over 3,000 (see also: Llanelian Road). Last season was their first campaign in the Conference North, and they finished in the top half, 11 points clear of the drop.

Bridge Road (Histon FC)

Distance: 176 miles

Capacity: 4,300 (1,700 seated)

You know how this is the Conference North? Well Histon, situated in Cambridgeshire, can in no way be considered the North, but it falls within the Conference’s ‘border counties’. Histon played in the Conference for two seasons, but were relegated to the sixth tier in 2010-11. Let’s hope the 352-mile round trip is worth 3 points. It could be worse. It could be Plainmoor on a Tuesday night. The southern bastards.

Edgeley Park (Stockport County)

Distance: Depends where you live, I guess.

Capacity: 10,841 (10,841 seated)

Edgeley Park is going to stick out like a sore thumb in the Conference North. With a capacity almost touching 11,000 and being the only all-seater stadium in the division, EP wasn’t built for Conference North football. With a bit of luck, the worst team we see play at EP won’t be Stockport County this season, as has been the case for the last few years. Hopefully, we can reverse the unwanted trend of having the worst home record in England last year with our 21 fixtures in EP this coming season.

NORTHERN SOUL

By Jamie Summers

Right then. The Conference North.

Few of us ever imagined that Stockport County AFC would ever be plying their trade in the sixth tier of English Football. Even after it became official, we grasped onto the thinnest of straws that crisis club Aldershot Town would be expelled from the Conference. 

 Our friends (*chuckles to self hysterically*) at the Football Conference would invite us back to the playground of national-level competition and all would be good.

But that turned out to be a fruitless pipedream, and in the Sixth Tier we are. Two years ago, when we were unceremoniously dumped out of the Football League, a lot of County fans thought we were entering the unknown. 

But in reality, what with so many ex-League clubs trapped in its grasp, the Conference turned out to be just a very slightly scaled-down (and in many cases better) version of League Two. Now though, the Conference North really is the unknown.

So what’s in store for us? What can we expect and, most importantly, what are the chances of an immediate return to the Conference? Here’s a few facts and figures for the anoraks amongst us…

Well first of all, it isn’t the ‘Blue Square Bet’ North any more, just as the Conference is no longer the ‘Blue Square Bet Premier’. 

Having had enough of attempting to polish turds, Blue Square Bet’s sponsorship of the Conference expired at the end of last season, and the bods at the Football Conference are yet to attract a new sponsor. 

So for now, it’s just the plain old ‘Conference National’ and ‘Conference North’ once again. At least it isn’t as bad as it used to be. The league was sponsored by Nationwide Building Society before Blue Square came along; ‘Nationwide Conference North’. Ironic, eh?

Anyway, enough about sponsorship; the name ‘Conference North’ can be deceiving. The idea behind the regionalisation is to trim travel costs, and accommodate for part-time players that have jobs – especially important in mid-week games. There are also only 22 teams at this level, rather than the customary 24.

However, because teams join the Conference North/South from the Conference, it doesn’t always go to plan. What happens if three Northern teams and one Southern team are relegated in one particular season, or vice versa? 

That’s exactly what happened last season, with Barrow, County and Telford all dropping.

To position teams into the correct league, the country is split into ‘Northern’ and ‘Southern’ counties, with ‘Border Counties’ separating the two. 

This means that for clubs in this band of counties - including Warwickshire, Oxfordshire, Northamptonshire and Gloucestershire - it’s pot luck which division they end up in.

The result is that clubs like Solihull Moors and Worcester City join us in the Conference North.

Where possible, the Conference tries to shift teams around to make it as balanced as possible; Bishop’s Stortford, in Hertfordshire, were transferred to the South last month to accommodate Telford United in the North. 

That’s bad news for us, that is. The Bucks have spent big over the summer and are joint favourites with County for the title.

However, the fixture list is still distinctly topsy-turvy. As well as trips to Altrincham, Stalybridge (There’s nothing ‘Vegas’ about it) and Colwyn Bay, we also face ‘local’ trips to Brackley (Northamptonshire), Histon (Cambridgeshire) and Oxford City. 

‘Local’ indeed. 

Apart from County, there are six other clubs – Barrow, Boston United, Bradford Park Avenue, Gainsborough Trinity, Stalybridge Celtic and Workington – that have experience of life in the Football League. Yet we’ve never played a single competitive fixture against 14 of our 21 opponents next season.

Here’s another thing. Edgeley Park will be the largest venue in the Conference North by a considerable margin, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. 

There’s a danger that it could be even more… well, dead, than we’ve become accustomed to. The average stadium capacity at this level is 4,661 – that’s 6,180 less than Edgeley Park’s total capacity of 10,841.

We’ll also have to return to the place of our most recent and humiliating relegation – Kidderminster Harriers’ Aggborough – to face Worcester City, whilst Gloucester City play their home games at Cheltenham Town’s Whaddon Road.

What’s more interesting is what the attendances will be like now. 

In the Conference, they weren’t too bad in the end were they? County, Luton, Wrexham, Grimsby, Mansfield, Lincoln etc. all managed averages which wouldn’t be out of place in the Football League.

That all changes next season though – the average attendance was just 934 in 2012/13, and 7 clubs failed to attract a single gate over 1,000. That’s not to say that these clubs don’t have good support – but don’t expect many sell-out crowds.

On the plus-side, of the 21 away venues, all 21 have at least some terracing; only Edgeley Park is an all-seater stadium in the Conference North. That at least counts for something – there’s an opportunity for some cracking away days. Harrogate away, anyone?

So then, it’s clearly going to be a bit of a culture shock, this Conference North lark. 

But what’s really interesting is looking at what it takes to compete down here. I tried to work out the average amount of points needed to; A) stay up, B) get into the playoffs and C) win the league title.

The conclusion that I came to is that it’s erratic as anything. Based upon the last seven seasons, going back to 2006/07, an average of 37 points is needed to avoid the drop. It takes approximately 69 points to sneak into the last playoff spot, and roughly 83 points to be crowned champions.

But it’s not quite that straightforward. 

There’s almost always a runaway leader come the end of the season. Chester FC quite frankly pissed on this division last season, breaking the records for most wins, fewest defeats, most goals scored, best goal difference, highest points total and longest undefeated streak on their way to the title.

With that in mind, although it takes an average of 83 points to win the league, the average points the champions have actually achieved since 2006/07 is 91 – and that’s with only 42 games. In a nutshell, we’ve got to win 30 games to be top of the tree in April 2014. 

Errrr…

It’s also a complete lottery when it comes to the bottom of the league. Talk about moving the goalposts! (pun very much intended). There have been points-deductions in all of the last four campaigns. 

Only two clubs were relegated in 2011-12, despite there usually being three places in the drop zone. In 2007-08, as well as bottom-placed Leigh Genesis, Boston United and Nuneaton Borough were also demoted. Boston finished 10^th with 59 points and Nuneaton were 7^th with 71. That’s got to be some kind of record?

A similar pattern emerged 5 years ago in 2008-09, as King’s Lynn were demoted after finishing 17^th with 48 points. The strangest campaign, however, took place in 2009-10. Whilst we were being dumped out of League One, only 21 clubs took part in the Conference North and only a single team were relegated. That team was Andy Preece’s Northwich Victoria, who finished 12^th with 48 points.

Another snippet about next season is that the playoff final isn’t played at a neutral venue. It’s actually hosted at the home ground of the finalist which finished highest in the league. 

Theoretically, that means there could be a dead snazzy playoff final at Edgeley Park between Stockport County and North Ferriby United. Or summat.

Cup competition also gets harder. We enter the FA Cup in the second qualifying round, meaning that we’d have to get through three matches just to set up a glamour tie against a League Two club.

Oh, and we have to qualify for the FA Trophy too.

In case you didn’t see that right, oh, and we have to qualify for the FA Trophy too. 

Pfft.

Taking the flippancy out of it, we’re in for a really tough time in the Conference North. 

We’re here because we deserve to be, by not being good enough on the pitch, and every team we come up against commands the same amount of respect as Stockport County. 

We’ll probably find there’s some fantastic clubs and fans at this level, and it’s a brand new and potentially exciting chapter in our club’s history.

We are undoubtedly the biggest club ever to play at this level, by some considerable margin. But one thing for certain is that it won’t be easy for us. We need a level of consistency and togetherness that this club just hasn’t had for the last four or five years.

Here’s hoping the new side that Ian Bogie and Alan Lord have put together are up to overcoming our fellow Northern souls to deliver the promotion which we so desperately crave.